New Age Amazon

(Originally published on Buzznet on 2/7/2011.  Reposted here with some changes.)

Valentine’s Day is almost here again.  And I bet many of you are feeling the pressure of being horrifically and painfully single.  Well, there is always help.  And I’ve gone to the best of sources for that help.

In the interest of giving the internet community the best and most balanced dating advice possible, I present to you:

The Romantic Comedy Guide to Dating Like A Totally Real Girl

First thing’s first, you have to take the oath!  Consider it your MANifesto.  Your MANtra.  Your…um…thing you keep in mind that has “MAN” in it.

I need a man.  I need a man SO BADLY.  I need a man like a fish needs water, like Sarah Palin needs media coverage, like Tim Burton needs Danny Elfman.  I throw myself upon the mercy of Saint Bullock, Saint J’Lo and Saint Julia and ask them to guide me through the dangerous waters of meeting my dream man. 

Got it?  Good.

Now, you might be asking yourself “Self, how do I meet a man?”  Well, that’s easy.  See, here’s the secret: GUYS ARE EVERYWHERE!  Really!  If you go to a bar?  Guys!  Record store?  GUYS!  Funeral home?  GUYS!  And here’s the kicker: walking down the street?  GUYS GUYS GUYS.

Now, the best way to meet a guy in this situation is to do something clumsy and somehow run into him or ruin his suit or kill his dog.  While this might seem like a terrible idea, there’s a method to it.

• Guys LOVE clumsy girls.  They know that clumsy girls need to be taken care of and the first thing a guy will think is “I want to be the guy to take care of this little klutz!”
• Odds are SOMEONE in this equation needs to loosen up.  You might be a free spirit who has just run into a tightly-wound businessman who owns a Fortune 500 company or who works for his potential father-in-law at a Fortune 500 company, and while he’ll be upset at you ramming into him, it’s just the first step to getting him to relax.
• If YOU’RE the tightly wound one, busy worrying about your job at a women’s magazine or a fashion design company, odds are HE’S a free spirit who is going to save you from yourself and teach you that more important than personal goals and financial freedom is to be loved by Matthew McConaughey.

THE MOST IMPORTANT PART: when you run into this guy, you can be guaranteed that, three hours later, you will run into him again.  And he will recognize you.  His mental reaction to this will depend on his personal situation.

• IF HE IS A TIGHTLY WOUND BUSINESS MAN: “Oh no, it’s that girl who ran into me earlier.  She’s such a klutz, but is strangely attractive.  I should absolutely date her.
• IF HE IS A RELAXED GUY: “Oh, hey, it’s that girl who ran into me.  She’s so tightly wound, I should teach her to enjoy life.  And date her.”
• IF HE IS ENGAGED: “This girl tripped me on the street.  I should totally leave my fiancee for her.”

Oh!  Speaking of which, here’s the scoop on other women.

THEY HAVE NO SOULS.

Seriously.  Unless they’re your group of 3 best girlfriends who will inevitably cheer you up when things hit a down turn, or your over-bearing mother or your wacky grandmother, no other woman in the world has a soul.  The girlfriend before or (Heigl forbid) after you is likely a rich, stuck up bitch who is only going to try to force your man to change for her and so you shouldn’t feel bad about trying to sabotage the relationship/engagement.  She can never really love him the way you do.  Because, remember, SHE DOESN’T HAVE A SOUL.

Keep this in mind: if you’re dating a guy and another guy is interested in you, odds are your boyfriend is the male version of the stuck-up rich bitch.  ESPECIALLY if your current boyfriend is more attractive and driven than the other guy crushing on you.  Your boyfriend doesn’t see the real, beautiful inner you and that’s why you should leave him for the florist or the guy in the failing band that is never going anywhere.  Otherwise, you’re a bitch.  Do you want to be a bitch?  Remember BITCHES HAVE NO SOULS.

Trust me, you want a soul.

But keep in mind, no relationship is perfect.  At some point you will probably screw up and hurt your love interest in some way.  Maybe you thought you were doing the right thing by declaring your love to him or by asking him to do the dishes, but don’t you understand?  He is a human being, not an animal and you can’t DO that sort of thing.

But don’t worry!  It will all work out.  If it looks like it’s not about to, here is the easiest way to solve the problem:

• Get promotion at work including transfer to Paris.
• Inform love interest that you are moving to Paris, but just as a “letting you know, wishing you the best” sort of thing.  You are going to have to LIE THROUGH YOUR TEETH on this one, I know, but trust me.
• Go to the airport and prepare to get on the plane to Paris. 

Just are you are about to, your man will arrive.  Somehow, flouting Homeland Security regulations (because not even the Patriot Act can stop True Romantic Comedy Love) he will show up and beg you not to go because, seriously, HE LOVES YOU AND HE WANTS TO BE WITH YOU.

And then he kisses you and the music swells.

And then you say “Screw Paris and my job, I’m staying with you!”

What, you thought he was going to move to Paris with you?  He has a CAREER.  And you’re a woman.  It’s not much to ask you to give up your dreams and aspirations for him.  I mean, you’ve done it.

You’ve got a man. 

Life is good. 

FOREVER.

Or until the sequel.  But don’t worry, that’ll be recast and go straight to video, so no one will really give a damn.

Disclaimer: This is, obviously, a parody piece.  While I don’t enjoy most romantic comedies and enjoy picking them apart for the sheer ridiculousness, there’s nothing wrong with liking them.  I’ll even cop to enjoying a few romantic comedies, especially anything with Drew Barrymore.  Bonus points if Adam Sandler is her co-star.